Rays of Splendour


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Two days till Seoul

Midnight just rolled around as I’m blogging this. It’s officially Thursday.

That means I only have two more nights (including tonight) where my family is physically so close before I turn in for the night. Three more mornings where I will wake up to a house filled with people I love very deeply.

I’m excited for all the things I am going to be learning in school but at the same time, my heart breaks at the thought of being so far from my family and loved ones. An emptiness echoes back whenever I tried to visualise myself shuffling around in the apartment, turning in and then waking up with the acknowledgement that my family is so far away. 

I’m going to end this very short entry (very unlike my usual entries!) with this emoticon that describes how I’m feeling at the awareness that I’ll be headed to the airport on Friday night to board the flight to Seoul: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Can I like call the airline company and request to change the flight departure dates so that I can spend even more time with the family? 

Afterall, classes only begin officially on 9 March. I can skip the first week which is the add/drop courses week. Can, can, can????


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Of parents’ birthdays and other random updates

Lying in bed in the dark while blogging on the WordPress app. This is the first time that I’m using the app!

Figured I’d just quickly jot down some moments that occurred in the past few days for the record.

Celebrated the parents’ birthdays

The parents’ birthdays are only 4 days apart from each other. As they gained an extra year in their ages, I’m reminded that my time with them could be getting shorter.

Unlike during times when I was much younger, these days I began to comprehend more the sacrifices and love they have for me. I saw how the parents are very giving towards my siblings and I, how they are always our biggest supporters in whatever that we do and how they never fail to continuously make duas for us to be granted with nothing but the best.

They have such unconditional love for us. I feel it in not just the way they always go the extra mile for us but also in the way that I never felt as though my presence was not wanted.

Everytime I’m with the parents, I felt it in me that our presence are such a blessing to their lives.

For all the goodness they’ve shown my siblings and I, I pray that Allah grants them abundance both in this world and the Hereafter. I pray too that Allah forgives any of their sins and places them in Paradise, amin.

Korean language class

This week, I received news that I am being offered a place to learn Korean at the language institute on campus. Alhamdulillah!

It’s a ten weeks programme. Currently, I’m supposed to start attending lessons this March daily from Mondays to Fridays from 6.30pm to about 9.10pm. I also have the option to change the lesson start time to summer which is in June and attend the morning 9am lesson instead.

So now, I’m in a dilemma whether to postpone the start times or not. If I were to continue with the March start time, it means that I will be going back home from school late everyday. Plus, I will be juggling that with the other courses in the day.

If I were to start in June, it would mean that I would not be going back home to Singapore for the summer vacation. That means: After flying to Seoul next week, I’ll only be back in Singapore in December. I’ll literally be gone for the next 10 months!

Not too sure what I’ll do. Regardless, praying for Allah to help guide me to the suitable choice.

Heartache

That’s “ache” in a literal sense.

Not too sure why but the heart has been feeling a tad bit odd these past few weeks. Even as I’m blogging this, I felt a slight tug at some vein near the heart area just mere moments ago.

Also, I do not know whether there is a co-relation but past few weeks too, there have been some moments when my world just seemed to momentarily spin. It will spin for a few seconds. The feeling’s as though I’m losing my balance. Like I will fall on the ground. It’ll last only a few seconds though.

Hmmm. Hoping it’s nothing and just my imagination!

I’ll be living alone in Seoul yet again. Gonna be doing everything alone and it’s gonna be back to times where I have to rely on only myself to survive the days. So yep, praying that my body continues being healthy insyaAllah.

Just a few days ago I was feeling worried when I read news of someone who passed away suddenly. That compelled me to send a panicked WhatsApp text to both my bffs to tell them to start wondering if they don’t hear any replies from me for more than 3 days. Though seriously, who they have to contact to check if I’m allright is beyond me. I really do not have anyone in Seoul whom the people in Singapore can contact to check on me.

Okay. Hand’s getting cramped from typing this blog entry on my mobile phone. Gonna stop now. It’s pretty convenient to be using this WordPress app though!


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One last weekend till….(?), insyaAllah

This week has been filled with moments of meeting up and spending it with people who matters.

These past few weeks that I’m back, I’ve not felt confident enough to reach out to them. This is largely because I’m worried that I’ll be getting in their way. I understand that I’m currently not preoccupied with anything substantial in life while their time is currently filled with juggling the responsibilities of earning a livelihood and spending time with their family and friends. You know, important and meaningful things. Thus for reasons of not wanting to border on being a nuisance and getting in their way, I’ve refrained from reaching out to them. So to have them still texting me and this week, really blocking out their time to spend it with me before I fly off is really something I am so grateful for.

As such, this week was filled with moments whereby I actually interacted more AND the most with people as compared to the past two months!

Wednesday was spent with the colleagues. It was so great to spend time with them again and catching up over snacks, tea and Korean drama. Hahah. I really do not know what has taken over my colleagues but lately, they have been into Korean dramas that I suddenly have so many people discussing drama plots with me. Our meetup was held at PC’s new house whose design I was absolutely impressed with. The day ended with a car ride from Kak Su where the two of us engaged in deeper conversations away from the group.

Friday was spent with the bffs. Dinner, conversations and lots of laughter. It always feels so great to be spending time with them again. They’re one of those people whom you can pick up interactions from the last time you left off and I pray that He gives us more moments of friendship with each other, insyaAllah.

Saturday saw me spending the time with the family. The whole family went out for dinner to celebrate mom’s birthday. Thereafter, we drove the youngest brother to USS where he had a ticket for himself (lol) to spend at the theme park. While he was there, the parents and I trawled the nearby Vivocity. There were sooooo many sales going on. If I’d not been on a budget, I’d definitely have snagged a few buys but for now, I’ve to discipline myself to strictly purchase only what I need and NOT want.

Today, a Sunday, will see me meeting Fad at Bliss House. She has an event which she invited me to so yep, looking forward to that.

So as the Sunday today unfolds and concurrently also essentially slowly drawing itself to a close, I have officially one more weekend left in Singapore.

One last Saturday and Sunday to be with all that is familiar and very much a part of me, insyaAllah. I do not know whether Allah will give me another opportunity in future to spend another weekend at a location and among people I call Home. I pray that He will allow me the ni’mah of more time to do so, insyaAllah amin.


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Anxious

For the past few minutes, the bffs and I have been texting each other and trying to make plans for tomorrow. We’ve decided that we should meet up at least once to twice every week before I fly off. As I did that, the thought that the two months of winter vacation is coming to an end crossed my mind. After tomorrow, I only have two more Fridays left in Singapore before I fly off to Seoul again.

This is going to be the third time that I’m flying back to Seoul for my studies, insyaAllah. It really doesn’t get easier. Always, my mind will start worrying over whether I would get to see my loved ones and people I care so much for yet again. With life so fragile and unpredictable, I can’t help always thinking to myself and asking God this question: “Will I get to see them again?”.

Unlike previous times, this time I’ll be flying back to Seoul alone. I always tell my parents that I’ll be okay in order to reassure them every time they asked whether they need to accompany me back to Seoul. However the truth is, I would love to have a familiar face(s) accompanying me on the journey. Whenever I imagined having to say goodbye to my parents at the airport and then making my way to Korea, I can’t help feeling so scared.

I’m scared at being alone yet again. Even the thought of opening the doors to my apartment in Seoul and be greeted by silence, and living there alone again… It’s not a sight that I look forward to very much. 😦

I must’ve gotten used to having familiar faces with me accompanying me to another country. I didn’t realize it then but their presence gave me the confidence to embrace the idea of living alone and many kilometers apart from home. Plus, I’m always happy spending the few days with them in Korea before they fly back to Singapore. This time since I’m back in Korea a few days before school starts and the family isn’t around, I can’t help feeling a bit anxious whenever I think of how I’m going to spend the days before lessons begin.

What’s making me more anxious: All the friends I used to hang out with have gone back to their respective countries. I am literally going back to a place where my friends are no longer there.

That made me come to a realization. This winter vacation has been marked by many days of solitary activities. Since my family and friends are preoccupied with work and their own respective lives and responsibilities, I spent a lot of time by myself. I do not know how I managed to pass two months spending like 90% of my time on my own but I did. In retrospect, there is definitely a wisdom behind this. When I think about the potential scenario I will be living when I’m back in Seoul, I began to understand that these past two months of doing things alone is God’s way of preparing me for life in the next few months.

Really praying hard that two weeks from now, Allah grants me the strength to walk away from my family and enter the customs part of the airport, board the plane, make my way to my Seoul apartment and live the first few days without crying my eyes out. Amin.