Rays of Splendour

Destabilized

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For a few weeks now, I feel like I’m not entirely present in life.

I will be physically present and performing all the motions like working, communicating with my friends and family, in class, cleaning the house, cooking, travelling, praying or reading the Quran but somehow, I always get the feeling like I’m not 100% there.

I’ve been trying to rationalize why this is so. There must be some reason for this and I realized that I’m feeling very, very, very destabilized inside.

For the past five years since I started working at the current workplace, life has been pretty much predictable. It is so predictable that anyone can guess how my daily routine will be like and where they would most likely expect to find me.

But as of last month when it finally felt real that I will be on no pay leave from January onwards, I felt like the stable ground which I’d been standing on had given way.

That shelter of predictability which I had grown accustomed to over the last five years has now been shaken. It makes me feel very unsettled inside as I wonder what 2016 will bring.

It is a bit strange for me to discover how 5 years of predictability can change myself. Back in 2010 when I left my first job with no plans for the future, it had felt so liberating. The freedom and sense of contentment from having all those time to myself is a memory I still cherish to this day.

However at 31 years of age, I think that somewhere and something inside me has changed. The prospect of having all the time to myself is not making me as excited as it had back then.

Has time and age tamed me so much?

I never expected that there will be a time when I see this version of myself who finds comfort in stability. In fact judging by how I tend to think and consider more serious aspects of life these days like death, sickness, time, life decisions and others, it surprises me that there will be a time where I will actually be like this.

The irony of it all is that I didn’t even realize I’ve changed until I spoke to L. She was berating me on a decision I recently made and somewhere in the conversation, she spat out the following question in exasperation:

“Since when have you become like this?”

I guess, since predictability somehow entered my life? Since work happened? Since time passes? Since life happened?

Regardless, her question did nothing to ease the feeling of being unsettled inside.

So with that said, what do I do to settle this heart of mine that feels like it’s resting on unstable ground?

Perhaps at the end of the day, it could simply be a matter of finding again all those parts of myself which I had somehow lost over time. I certainly miss that part of myself that is willing to take a chance at life and being opened to where it leads me.

To have the courage to take that leap of faith.

Yep, that’s it.

Leap of faith.

Just…. Jump. Let go, and let God.

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