I spend a lot of my free time cleaning up this tiny apartment where I am staying. Anything that seems out of place sets me off and like some neurotic person obsessed with keeping order in the apartment, I will go about rectifying it immediately. I’m aware that I like the space I occupy to be neat and clean but this level of obsessiveness is one I’ve never experienced before.
It only occurred to me recently that the preoccupation with keeping things in order is a manifestation of clinging onto a semblance of control.
See, one of the things that I found myself grappling with ever since I stopped working, then the move to Seoul and thereafter learning to live alone in an entirely new environment, is that of control. I try my best to appear calm, collected and in control of everything for I firmly believe in the merits of being positive when embracing life.
However I found out that there are times when summoning the self to be positive can be more challenging than normal. That was what I discovered this morning when my body decided to give way and it took a lot of willpower to force myself to go about the day despite the physical pain and discomfort. During that moment, I felt like I’ve no control over things and because of that, I found myself crying the most times out of my entire life since I got here.
And then there is that guilt. Being here all these miles away from my family and friends made me feel like I have no right to be in contact with them and to disrupt their lives. I can’t help but think, “What right do I have to even reach out to them?” which then led me to retreat from spending too much time from contacting them in the past few days.
All these guilt. The sense of losing control. These feelings are new for me.
I guess those are some of the things that I’ll be learning during my experience here.
Now I guess I need to work extra hard at coaxing myself to remain steadfast on the path of positivism.
And to think more of God and the way He has meticulously planned everything.