For reasons that I haven’t been able to specifically identify, I found myself feeling pretty much jaded about things these past few days.
During those brief moments when I felt more myself again and reflected upon the barrage of thoughts that went through my mind when I was feeling numbed, I can’t help cringing over how negative and lacking in hope I could be.
Here’s a brief sample of the negative things that go through my jaded self:
- My presence is so irrelevant and does not add any value to people’s life back home so I should stop being such an irritating figure and cease from contacting everyone. Like, just let them get on with their lives without having to see messages from me and then being guilty at not replying to me. So really, I should just do everyone a big favour which they’ll appreciate and disappear properly.
- Let me just spend my time alone in my house. Do not drop by my house. Do not ask me out. Do not make contact with me ever. Do not, do not, do not. Just leave me alone.
- Can’t seem to understand this simple set of readings when everyone else seemed to have an easy time with it. Perhaps I’m just deluding myself that I could get through grad school. Perhaps I should just stop doing this and just work as per normal. I mean, why set goals in life and try to do something beyond my means when I don’t have the skills or talent to achieve them anyway?
Believe me, there are more where that came from and this is just a snippet of like 30% that goes through my heart and mind in the past few days.
I wonder when I’m gonna feel myself again cos seriously, it’s pretty tiring to be feeling so jaded like this but somehow lacking the power to fight it off.