It’s been almost one month since I last blogged. Tonight is one such time when I felt clear-headed enough to login to WordPress and blog.
To sum up, these past few weeks have been pretty rough for me. It occurred to me as I’m sitting here and pondering on what to write that I do not let on to my family and close ones the full extent of how down I had been these two to three weeks.
I guess that’s the thing about living so far away from them. With texting and calling being the only mediums of contact, it’s much easier to only reveal aspects that are positive and to make yourself come across as being fine. Firstly, it’s because you would rather focus on that. Secondly, the last thing you ever want is to cause unnecessary worry to the person on the other end.
So, those nights which are too many to be counted when I cried myself to sleep. Or those moments when I sat on my prayer mat, the opened pages of the Quran wet with my tears? Times when I consoled myself to gather whatever strength I’ve left inside to compose myself, wipe the tears and get on with the day? Those are parts of myself that makes it much easier for me to withhold from the people back home.
That aside, I’m currently feeling pretty… well, to describe it aptly, not entirely there and it’s due to various reasons.
I need to vacate this apartment by end-November but the sheer amount of belongings I have, coupled with the thought that I have to pack everything all by myself with no help and then possibly courier back to Singapore some stuff when I just set up home back in August doesn’t excite me at all. Truthfully, I like this apartment very much and find this abode to be such a comfortable place to live in. However the reality is that I do not have sufficient funds to finance living in this apartment.
Then there’s the lack of certainty of when I am able to fly back home. A huge part of me truly wants to go home for the winter vacation. Yet, I do not have sufficient funds to purchase a flight ticket for myself.
Which leaves me to the next alternative: sign myself up for winter school. Honestly, the only reason why I would want to sign up for winter school is because it costs way cheaper than a flight back to Singapore. For about $150 as compared to a flight ticket that costs almost $800, I get to clear one more module as part of the requirements for graduation. Not only that, I would solve the worry of coming back home to Singapore with the prospect of lack of things to do. Seriously when I envisioned myself going back home with nothing to do and a lack of money to spend my days, I dread the idea of flying back even though I very much would love to be reunited with people there.
I really pray that He grants me guidance for I really do not know which choices to make. And I pray that He makes things clear for me for I have a feeling that deep down, I know what I exactly need and want to do however it’s clouded by externalities.