Rays of Splendour

Anxious

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For the past few minutes, the bffs and I have been texting each other and trying to make plans for tomorrow. We’ve decided that we should meet up at least once to twice every week before I fly off. As I did that, the thought that the two months of winter vacation is coming to an end crossed my mind. After tomorrow, I only have two more Fridays left in Singapore before I fly off to Seoul again.

This is going to be the third time that I’m flying back to Seoul for my studies, insyaAllah. It really doesn’t get easier. Always, my mind will start worrying over whether I would get to see my loved ones and people I care so much for yet again. With life so fragile and unpredictable, I can’t help always thinking to myself and asking God this question: “Will I get to see them again?”.

Unlike previous times, this time I’ll be flying back to Seoul alone. I always tell my parents that I’ll be okay in order to reassure them every time they asked whether they need to accompany me back to Seoul. However the truth is, I would love to have a familiar face(s) accompanying me on the journey. Whenever I imagined having to say goodbye to my parents at the airport and then making my way to Korea, I can’t help feeling so scared.

I’m scared at being alone yet again. Even the thought of opening the doors to my apartment in Seoul and be greeted by silence, and living there alone again… It’s not a sight that I look forward to very much. 😦

I must’ve gotten used to having familiar faces with me accompanying me to another country. I didn’t realize it then but their presence gave me the confidence to embrace the idea of living alone and many kilometers apart from home. Plus, I’m always happy spending the few days with them in Korea before they fly back to Singapore. This time since I’m back in Korea a few days before school starts and the family isn’t around, I can’t help feeling a bit anxious whenever I think of how I’m going to spend the days before lessons begin.

What’s making me more anxious: All the friends I used to hang out with have gone back to their respective countries. I am literally going back to a place where my friends are no longer there.

That made me come to a realization. This winter vacation has been marked by many days of solitary activities. Since my family and friends are preoccupied with work and their own respective lives and responsibilities, I spent a lot of time by myself. I do not know how I managed to pass two months spending like 90% of my time on my own but I did. In retrospect, there is definitely a wisdom behind this. When I think about the potential scenario I will be living when I’m back in Seoul, I began to understand that these past two months of doing things alone is God’s way of preparing me for life in the next few months.

Really praying hard that two weeks from now, Allah grants me the strength to walk away from my family and enter the customs part of the airport, board the plane, make my way to my Seoul apartment and live the first few days without crying my eyes out. Amin.

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